Home: Creating a Hospitable Haven

Admittedly, I am still learning the balance of having our home open to guests while also providing an escape for my family. Before we were in the ministry and during our years serving in student ministry, hospitality was one of my greatest joys. We had people in our home all the time. When my husband was called to pastor three years ago, that changed for some reason. To be honest, it was very unintentional. I didn’t realize it had happened, but the reality is hitting me that for the past few years our home has not been as open to guests. During our first year with Tim as pastor, I was going through an identity crisis trying to transition from being the student pastors’ wife to being the pastors’ wife, all in the same church. I was focused on separating myself from our students, learning how to change my role, and figuring out this new dynamic in our ministry with my husband also being my pastor. Being so focused on the new role, I failed to see that I still needed to have our home open. Even though we are in the same church and I already knew the congregation, I wish it had occurred to me to have a couple each month to our home to build relationships with them, to get to know them better, to love on them.

Needless to say, I’ve done some things really well and other things not so well at all. Tim and I have been very intentional about family time. Our kids know that on Friday nights, as cheap as it may be, we are going to eat pizza (frozen or homemade, unless I have a great coupon on ordered pizza!) and watch a movie (Redbox or Netflix rental). For birthdays, they know that mom will make all their favorites. On holidays, I go all out to make things special. No, not Pinterest crafty all out, but creating traditions and memories. My grandma taught me to use any opportunity to celebrate, to make an extraordinary day in the middle of our everyday life. I love that at each holiday our kids know what to expect because it creates excitement and anticipation. I love that I’ve established in my family such simple, but special memories.

Over these past few months, however, it’s occurred to me that in my attempt to be intentional about family time, I’ve missed our church family. I’m praying through how to undo that and start fresh. All 5 of us need a safe place, a place to escape, a place where we can just “be” and not feel watched. A few weeks ago, we went out to eat with a couple of families from church. That is rare for us for two reasons; one, I’m cheap so we just don’t eat out often, and two, we aren’t invited that often. When we returned home, our daughter said, “Mom, it was really fun hanging out with them. I didn’t feel like they looked at me as the pastors’ daughter.” This was huge. You see, she had had a meltdown a few weeks before at the Awana End of the Year Awards Ceremony because she had not finished her book. She had brought it up for a few weeks that she was concerned that she would not finish. I kept telling her it was not a big deal; her dad and I were focused on her heart, not how many sections she passed. I wanted her to know she didn’t have to put pressure on herself. In all of my psychology/counseling training I did the one thing we aren’t supposed to do: I dismissed her. On the day of the Awards ceremony, she came home from school and just lost it. I had never seen her that upset over something church related. I finally sat, listened, and let her unload. I had not realized the pressure she felt. I have been so thankful that we are in a church that does not verbally critique or criticize our kids. We’ve never had outlandish expectations held on them from our church. I’ve never had anyone complain about the preachers’ kids. We don’t say to our kids statements such as, “Your dad’s the pastor so you better behave.” We expect them to act appropriately and respectfully, but not because of whom is their dad. So I was unaware that they still feel pressure.

When she finally was able to get through to me, Abbi expressed that her church teachers and leaders still hold the expectation, whether intentional or not, that if anyone will finish their book, it will be our kids. If anyone will get the awards, it will be our kids. If other kids are struggling with understanding a passage or a lesson, our kids can help them. Because they have a Bible degree, like their dad? Not sure about that one, but I’ve never seen her this upset or adamant, so I believe her. And that’s when I realized how crucially important our home being a haven is to our family. They need an escape from the pressure. They need a place to mess up without feeling watched. They need a place to be crazy and, yes, even to argue with one another and not have to always be “on.” I am so thankful that I grew up without a stable family, because it’s made me determined during our 14 years of marriage and 10 years in the ministry to create a home that’s a haven. Not many things I’ve gotten right, but I can rejoice in God’s grace to give me this passion.

What I’m learning is balance. I don’t want our family to be so focused on us that we miss opportunities to build relationships outside of ourselves. Just as much as we need an escape, Abbi’s statement about how nice it was to go out to eat with another family made me aware of how closed we had become and how much we also need others. And they just might need us. We don’t have family here, but my daughter opened my eyes to the reality that just maybe we do have family. I’m not going to open our home every night of the week. For the sanity of us all, I am still going to be protective of our time together. I am still going to carry on our traditions and memory making. However, I’m also going to allow others, with wisdom, to be part of our lives, as well.