Survival Tips from Sisters in the Ministry

Here are some fun tips for you to ponder as ministers’ wives. Let me know what you think about them or if you have a few more tips to share, leave them in the comment section.

*Find someone you can talk to–either another staff wife or a friend outside the church, preferably not in your area. (You do not want to bad mouth your church to someone from another church in your area.) Sometimes you need someone to VENT to especially when your children are driving you nuts.

*Learn to say NO!!! Only be involved in what God is leading you to do and what you feel passionate about.

*Find a prayer partner. It does not have to be the same person you confide in but just someone you can pray with on a regular basis. Requests do not always have to be specific.

*Be a servant. “A good minister’s wife needs to get in there and work! She should not sit back on her ‘throne’ so to speak, and expect to be waited on.” It is important that ministers’ wives use her unique gifts and skills to minister in the church.

*A fellow pastor’s wife shares this per Mrs. Adrian Rogers: “Treat your husband like a king and he will treat you like a queen.” You are your husband’s biggest supporter (cheerleader). Mrs. Rogers also stated that “we should never expect our husbands to meet all our needs. Expect God to meet them as stated in Phil. 4:19, so when your husband meets a need it is icing on the cake.”

*Do not overload yourself on church responsibilities. Your family needs you too.

*Sit in different places in the worship service so you can get to know more ladies. This tip may help keep you from being accused of having “favorite friends” even though we all have them in the church. (A bit of humor: by sitting in different areas of the service, if you get tired of hearing your husband’s same sermon you can visit the church down the street and no one will miss you because no one knows where you sit.)

*Become friends with the “silent people.” These are people who are quiet and usually stay in the background. They need a friend and will usually be loyal friends.

*Take care of yourself emotionally and physically. Find things to do that you enjoy doing and will help you distance yourself from your church, your work, and the pressures of your family. (Ex. read, sew, take walks)

*A bit of humor: When someone is sharing “stuff” with you and you don’t want to let them know that you know more about the situation than they do, just say “Really?” or “I didn’t realize that.” These simple statements will keep you out of hot water.

*Be yourself. It is okay for the people to see you laugh, cry, wear jeans and sweats, act goofy, etc. We ARE human with a wide range of emotions. We are UNIQUE by God’s design.

Remember Your First Love

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (1 Corinthians 13:3-8 NIV)

Do you remember your first love? When I married my husband Dan, I usually overlooked his faults, simply because I wanted to be with him. Later, when I became focused on being a wife and a mother, I lost sight of why I married him in the first place.

During a rather serious conversation, I told Dan that I felt we were traveling in two different boats—I was paddling upstream, and he was floating with the current in another direction. I wanted to be in the same boat with him, yet I didn’t always want to go his way. So, many times, we have been forced to acknowledge our differences to resolve our disagreements.

I’ve recognized similar conflicts in my faith at  times. When I become focused on what I’m doing “for” the Lord, I forget about my intimate relationship with Him. And although He may be pleased with my deeds, my hard work, and my perseverance, He also desires to be my “first love” (Rev. 2:4).

• As believers in Christ, we “are marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit …” (Eph. 1:13).
• King Solomon’s Beloved sings of a protective love: “Place me like a seal over your heart …” (Song 8:6). And in the same verse, his Beloved speaks of a jealous love.
• Paul writes of a “godly jealousy” for the Bride of Christ (2 Cor.11:2).
• Revelation 19:7 tells us that we are the Bride of Christ.
• And Ephesians 5:25 expresses His sacrificial love for His Bride: “Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…”

Have you ever found yourself so busy in your Christian duties that you’ve “forsaken your first love” (Rev. 2:4)? How do we resolve this conflict? The Bible instructs us: “Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first” (2:5).

I recall the moment I realized that Christ loves me unconditionally. I had totally burned out—emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. Then, I saw this truth: “… it is by grace you have been saved, through faith … not by works …” (Eph. 2:9).

This truth freed me to accept Christ’s salvation as a gift and not something I could earn.

So, even though the Lord is pleased with my dedication and service to Him, I know He wants my primary focus to be my personal relationship with Him.

And after over 40 years of marriage, even though I appreciate everything my husband does for me and our family, I still desire his unconditional love most of all. And I think he desires that from me, too.

So, this song is for you, Dan! 

YouTube/DaveBarnesVEVO (“God Gave Me You”)

Photo/Jordan

3 REASONS WHY I WONT CHEAT ON MY HUSBAND

“Why won’t you cheat on me?” That was the question my husband asked.

“Because I love you and God said not to.” That was the Jesus-girl answer I gave.

I don’t plan to commit adultery. So, honestly, I’ve never thought about it.

After our date-night convo, we agreed that we needed a plan other than “love” and “God said don’t.” Why? Because we don’t always feel in-love; and just because God said SO doesn’t mean we DO SO. Don’t half of marriages end in divorce? Ministry marriages are not exempt from marital tragedy.

Here’s My Proactive plan NOT TO commit adultery. 

1. I stake guardrails around my emotions.  A ministry friend of mine disclosed that she had an Emotional Affair. What happened?  For women “Sex isn’t the prize. The relationship is the prize” (Shannon Etheridge).  Most marriages experience a relational void that can cause a woman to feel as if she will emotionally dehydrate.  Busyness, lack of communication, personal baggage, unengaged husband, feeling misunderstood, and more; can create emotional vulnerability.

How far is too far emotionally?

Speak to a woman who has committed adultery and her words sound like this, “I never intended for it to happen.  All we were doing was talking.”  When we are emotionally vulnerable, small conversations can become bait that lures us to bond with another man. If this guardrail is missing, we enter into an enticing, overinflated this-guy-understands-me-better-than-my-husband emotional bond.

2.  I Train my thoughts to rehearse the good more than the bad.  Our husbands have characteristics that attracted us when we fell in love. AND, they have characteristics that at times repel now that we are married.

What happens when we repeatedly watch our favorite chick-flick? We can quote it! Right?  If we allow our thoughts to rehearse the undesirable things, then eventually our husband will be the undesirable thing.  Like a red sock in the white laundry, what we mentally rehearse affects everything.

What attracted you to your husband?  Remember! Rehearse the good more than the bad.

3.  I communicate to my husband that sex is fun.  (Put your eyebrows back down. I know I just said that publicly, but what’s important is that HE KNOWS I believe this.) I’m on the edge here admitting that sex was not always fun. AND it had nothing to do with him. Although I’m quite certain I might have made him feel that way.  Lack of sexual confidence can kill the fun.

Beware of confidence killers!

• Comparison Voices – those magazine covers that scream at you, “You don’t look like this!”
• Past Voices – past experiences or abuse get into bed with us.  There’s healing to be found!
• Definition Voices – sex is a duty, a reward, something we manipulate. These are not true.

Satan will do his best to get you in bed before you’re married, and do his best to keep you out of bed once you are married. (That’s not original with me).

“My husband is the king and he has brought ME into His chambers!” (Song of Solomon 1:4) How fun!

Give thought to a your own proactive plan.  Why won’t you cheat on your husband?  Write them down, then tell them to your husband.  He will LOVE IT!

What We Do For…Love…and…Ministry!!

This post by Susie Thompson was originally published on the former Arkansas Ministers’ Wives blog on April 16, 2010.

The month of May, 2009, took my husband, Jeff, with a group from our association, to the unreached people group of the Pare’ Mountains in Tanzania. Upon his return, he decided that a good a reminder – for himself and for our churches – to pray for the Pare’ people was to NOT SHAVE until there are 5 churches planted and 100 baptized believers. Now, hear me say, I desperately love and support my best friend and lover more than I can put into words, and I think he is breathtakingly handsome with or without a beard. He is truly an amazing example of faith, vision, godliness, and love! But, as the months passed, and he and I both longed for the razor, we have laughed about the things we do sometimes in the name of ministry. Just think for a minute – pies in the face at VBS, hair dyed wild colors, kissing pigs…..I’m sure you have several you are adding in your head!

Now, I’m not knockin’ those of you who feel differently about beards, but I was ready to kiss Jeff’s clean shaven face!! It definitely reminded me to pray for the Pare’! More importantly, it reminded me that there are people all over the world who understand much better than I do what it means to sacrifice in the name of Jesus!

But, there is another thing I’m reminded of. Seeing Jeff’s desire and willingness to love and serve God and His people only mirrors and magnifies his love for me. It reminds me that there is an earthly, God-ordained relationship for which I will do anything to PREVENT from being sacrificed at the hands of our human ministry efforts and anything or anyone else – and that is my marriage (and my family).

In answering my youthful question of “How can I be a good pastor’s wife?” a very wise woman in my life answered, “By marrying the right pastor!” What a blessing you and I have in our husbands. Let’s commit together to pray for our marriages and our families, and to uphold each other in protecting and growing them! Because of our life in Christ, we truly should be THE BEST examples of the phrase “Live, Laugh, & Love!!” What can you do this next week to surprise and show your husband your love for him, and to bring laughter into your home? Let’s get creative and intentional!

Susie Thompson is wife to Jeff and mother to their two sons Hunter and Tyler.  She loves worship, she plays and sings, loves to read, and mostly just loves being with her family.

Tell Him

Last month I shared some general statements of encouragement for new ministers’ wives. This month I want to share a few more that relate directly to that beautiful relationship between husband and wife. Here goes…

As newly weds, learn to fight. Don’t wait for years. Fight through the feelings you have with your husband! Guys are not built the same as we are. They don’t see our feelings as we do in one another. They need you to tell them. Speaking openly with your husband, in a private setting, is not being unsubmissive. He loves you. His calling is to his family first. He can’t protect, provide, and prosper with you if he doesn’t know you. Know how you really feel. Help him understand you with strong honest words. Yet graceful words.

Tell him. Tell him you feel lonely in the new town. Lonely at the new church. Lonely at home by yourself. Lonely at home with your kids. Lonely sitting in service. Lonely at the women’s event when all you get is shallow conversation or gossip.

Tell him. Tell him you do not want to share him. When you don’t want to say yes but do anyway. When you want to call him to come home from the office. The lock-in. The spring retreat.

Tell him. Tell him you are sad. Sad when he rushes out the door. Sad when you have to get a sitter to help. Sad when you choose to help him by staying home with the kids. Sad when you can’t see your family on holidays.

Tell him. Tell him you regret saying yes to ministry some days. Regret the yes to the 2 week mission trip without you. Regret the yes months ago to the weekly meetings at breakfast when you feel crummy today.

Tell him. Tell him you are jealous. Jealous when he spends so much time with others. Jealous about the non-stop conversations in your home about other people lives. Woes. Joys. Needs.

Then tell him. Tell him you feel guilty. Guilty about being lonely and not wanting to share when you know so many others need him. Guilty about being sad in either choice you make to best help him. Guilty about regretting your yes to ministry when you know it’s what God has called you both to do. Guilty for feeling jealous and needing him so badly.

Find out what your husband needs from you. You are his help-meet. Don’t assume you know how he needs you to love him. He may need you by his side. To help him plan, organize, create. He may need you to back off. Let him dream, go, breath. He may need different things at different times. You are a team. But every team is built differently. Play on your strengths as a couple. You really do complete one another {thank you Jerry McGuire}. Don’t mimic another team’s strategies. They are not you. Let there be open communication at all times. Things change. People change. Some days it won’t be pretty communication but it still needs to happen.

The Other Guy

Have you ever had one of those moments when you look at your husband and wonder, Who is this man I have married? It could be while sitting across the table from each other, sharing the bathroom in the morning, or just sitting in your recliners reading and you happen to look up and just stare at him. It usually happens like this for me: I will be in the kitchen deciding what to cook for supper, cleaning so I can cook said supper, looking at the kids’ papers from school, thinking about something pertaining to church all at the same time (bad idea) and I happen to look up and see him. He will be sitting at the computer or at the counter reading something or working on something or doing something else ordinary and I do a double take. I think to myself, “Who is this man?”

Let me explain….

Sometimes being married to a minister can feel like being married to two different men at the same time. For instance there is The Minister – the man who does all the lofty, holy, awe-inspiring works for God in whatever ministry God has called him too. Then there is The Other Guy – the guy you fell in love with.  Being ministers’ wives we see our husbands fulfilling the role of The Minister so often that when we are alone with them we sometimes forget The Other Guy exists. Granted you can’t have one without the other but you can’t support the one while forsaking the other either. It is a package deal, two sides of the same coin.

This “double take” moment happened to me a couple of weeks ago. In the midst of me being caught up in the busyness of being a minister’s wife/mother/friend/mentor I glanced up and there he was just being himself. I had to just stop and stare. I made myself really look at the man God had given to me. I thought about when we first met, the things we did for fun, the places we would go, what we would talk about, how we were so young and naive (still are) yet excited about what God had in store for us. It was during this time of reminiscing that I realized something. I had been treating him as The Minister since he walked in the door. How dreadful! We are told in Luke 6:31 to do to others as you would have them do to you. I don’t know about you but I would NOT be happy if my husband expected me to be The Minister’s Wife all the time (I don’t think he would be either). It sounds absurd to even think about.

Don’t get me wrong. There are times when we need to treat our husbands as The Minister. I would never walk up to him during meet and greet time in the church lobby and plant a big kiss right smack on his lips. There is a time and place for everything. One thing I have discovered though is you can’t love The Minister if you don’t first love The Other Guy. And The Other Guy is who we all fell in love with in the beginning. My husband was already a preacher when we met. However I didn’t fall for the preacher. I fell for him. Titus 2:4 tells us to love our husbands. I think if asked we would all say we love our husbands but when is the last time you really saw him as the guy you fell in love with and treated him as such? Dreams, hobbies, and/or goals might have changed or been adapted but he is still the same man. Take a moment this week to really see your husbands, beyond just The Minister. Spend some time with The Other Guy, even if it is just a trip to Wal-Mart. Minister to The Minister by loving The Other Guy. You will both be happy that you did. And while you are at it plant a big kiss right smack on his lips…….just not in the church lobby (unless it is empty).