Parsonage Humor

Happy Thursday ladies!!

May your homes always be full of laughter, love, and dark colored carpet!

(The above artwork was done by my sister and was a common saying said by our mother during the time we lived in a parsonage with white carpet.)

Top 10 Reasons Why Ministers’ Wives Are Allowed to Scream

1. Summer is here! You are supposed to sleep in but there is VBS, a mission trip, church camps,
summer sports, and swimming lessons.

2. Company comes . . .every weekend for a month!

3. As you come from putting away the final load of laundry from the company that just left, you
do a walk through the house to admire your housework. You stop in shock as you see muddy
foot and paw prints all over your clean kitchen floor.

4. Your husband calls to say he has invited the staff for a cookout-tonight!

5. Company is coming AGAIN!!

6. The garden plot you planted this year is doing nicely. All the squirrels, birds, and rabbits are
enjoying the produce.

7. The kids are whining that they are bored and it is only the first week off summer break.

8. Friends and family share their photos of their beach vacation and you MUST smile as they tell you about
the great time they had.

9. You put on a swimsuit for the first time since last summer and realize it shrunk!

10. After receiving another phone call that company is coming, you go to the cabinet for your happy pill
(M & Ms) jar only to find that it is EMPTY!!!

Ministry Surprises

I was thinking about being a pastor’s wife the other day and how there are things that happen to me that only happen because I am married to a minister. I instantly gravitated to the funny and embarrassing. Embarrassing moments happen to everyone but it seems like the “special” ones are saved for us minister’s wives and other women living in a “glass house”.

One such occurrence was immediately brought to mind. When it happened I was mortified. I know you are thinking about your own moment right now! If one hasn’t happened to you yet, don’t worry. It will! How many of us have had our dress or skirt stuck up in our waist band for the whole service without anyone telling us? Can I get an “Amen?” We can either fret about these moments or just take them in stride and muster up as much grace as we can. Then, depending on the situation, laugh at them. Embarrassing situations seem to come naturally to me. Thankfully I have learned to laugh at myself (most of the time).

I will share with you my most embarrassing ministry related moment to date. If my husband had not been a pastor at the time this wouldn’t have been as funny. But since it happened to the pastor’s wife – hilarious. Mine had to do with my oldest child. It seems that children play a huge role in these stories, right ladies? Not sure if it is paying for our raising or God’s way of keeping things full of laughter. Either way, it happens. Bless their hearts, they sometimes can’t help it, being the PK and all. Anyway, back to my moment of shame.

My story happened while we were at our very first church. Let me give a little back story first. At that time we only had the one child (we now have three), and she was full swing into potty training. She had suffered a setback thanks to the new (at that time) automatic flushing toilets in Walmart. Honestly, I had only seen a few by then, so when I set her on the toilet and moved away I wasn’t thinking about the rocket launching sound that would happen. It went off and I literally caught her a foot off of the potty. She was screaming at the top of her lungs! She refused to use a toilet for almost a year after that. Here we are later on down the road and she finally agrees to give this potty thing a second try. We go slow and steady and she has to leave the bathroom or stall before I can flush it. Poor kid was scarred for life. We rock on for a while and everything is going smoothly. But she is still too scared to go to the potty by herself. And don’t even think about flushing with her in earshot.

It was a Sunday night service. This was the only time I have been thankful for smaller attendance on Sunday nights! My husband was finishing up and my daughter needed to use the bathroom. Our church was a little country church that had the doors to the rest of the church building (i.e. the bathroom) in the front of the sanctuary by the stage. Anybody needing to get up and go to the bathroom or nursery or anywhere else had to walk by the preacher preaching or go out the “front door” and walk around outside to the back of the building. So here we go. I get up with her and try to sneak out with a toddler past my husband. He smiles and keeps on going-doesn’t miss a beat. We manage to open the door and close it behind us with hardly a noise. I am feeling pretty confident at that moment. On a scale of 1 to 10 in the distraction department we were a solid 3. Not too bad.

In this particular church the women’s bathroom was located just to the left once you left the sanctuary. I get my precious child situated and wait in the hallway for her to be done so I can flush. It is at this time that I remember the business meeting to follow the short devotional my husband is giving. It is also at this time that I remember I am responsible for a report that I didn’t have ready. My daughter is doing the serious business so I knew I would have enough time to hop over to the little office area, write up my report, and make copies for everyone. I leave the bathroom door open and tell her to let me know when she is finished. It really is a small church and she is so adamant about her potty ritual that I wasn’t worried in the least. You might have figured out where this is heading…

I work on my report and check on her every now and then. I can hear my husband getting closer to the end of his devotion and tell her to hurry up while I am still trying to get the copier to work properly (did I mention it was a small country church?). The next thing I hear is my husband’s voice asking my daughter very sweetly what she needed and people snickering behind their hands trying not to let loose with laughter. I froze. The last I checked, not 20 seconds ago, she was on the pot. My husband tells me later that she had opened the door, waddled into to the church kind of bent over with her shorts and panties down by her ankles. She then stood completely up, showing everyone her business, and announced to the whole congregation (which she was now standing in front of) that she had finished pooping and needed someone to flush the toilet. Then smiles. The 15 or so people there, including my husband, lost it at that moment. That child had never done anything as quietly as she did that night when sneaking out of that bathroom and opening AND CLOSING the sanctuary door.

I heard all of this in the little office area. I am not proud to admit it, but I hid. There was no way I was going in there to get her. I left my poor husband to handle it. I poked my head out around the corner when I heard the sanctuary door open and saw my husband leading my child back to the bathroom with her shorts and panties still around her ankles. You should have seen the look on her face. She was so proud of herself! I was still too mortified to get on to her. I left her in the hallway and went  to flush only to find there was nothing in the toilet. I had been duped by my 3 1/2 year old. We spent the rest of the time in the nursery. I didn’t come out till everyone was gone. Didn’t even give my report that I had been working on. No one seemed to care. They were still laughing.

I told my now 11-year-old daughter about this incident. She, of course doesn’t remember it. I told her I was going to blog about it and then smiled at her. You should have seen the look on her face. No really, we had a good laugh. She thought she was pretty funny as a kid. Since then each of my three children have caused moments of embarrassment for me. I am positive there are many more in store for my future. But nothing quite compares to that first time.

So now it is your turn. Time to fess up, ladies! Don’t leave me hanging! What is your most embarrassing moment as a minister’s wife? We all need to laugh at ourselves and laugh together. It is nice to know we are not alone!  🙂

Top 10 Reasons for a Minister’s Wife to Eat Chocolate

When I was asked to write a Top 10 blog article, my crazy blond brain automatically went to one of my favorite subjects–chocolate. I can give you every excuse in the book for eating chocolate. Seriously, I am the person who believes that chocolate should have its own food group. Today, however, I will limit my list to ten reasons.

1. An ounce of dark chocolate has been proven to keep our hearts healthy.
2. Chocolate releases endorphins which reduce stress. We all know that ministry has plenty of stress.
3. A rationed bag of M & Ms can keep an active preschooler PK entertained during a worship service.
Oh, and it can keep the PK’s mother calm as well.
4. Chocolate is cheaper than therapy. Being a minister’s wife, the mother of two sons, blond and
hormonal, I often question my sanity.
5. If you love M & Ms, there is a flavor for any occasion. For example, coconut flavored M & Ms are for
the beach and peanut M & Ms are for heavy duty stress. An additional bonus to M & Ms is that they
come in a variety of happy colors.
6. Sometimes you just need a “Hug” or a “Kiss.”
7. Eat chocolate to stave off the desire to slap someone (like a mean church member) . . . in Jesus name
of course.
8 God’s Holy Word says, “Taste and see that the Lord is good.” Psalms 34:8
9. With all that we do each day, if we put “eat chocolate” at the top of the list, we can be assured we
will accomplish at least one thing on the list.
10. The top 10 reason to eat chocolate. . .GOD CREATED EVERYTHING INCLUDING CHOCOLATE AND HE
SAID IT WAS GOOD. ENOUGH SAID!!!!

Well, this is my list for this blog. I may come back with more at a later date. Now girlfriends, share your favorite reason for eating chocolate.

You Know You are a Minister’s Wife When . . . Part 2

I had so much fun sharing list that I asked a few friends to share their “You know you are a minister’s
wife when” comments. Just for laughs (which we all need if we are in the ministry) I am going to share
these comments with you.

You know you are a minister’s wife when you freezer is full of beef in Texas, deer in Arkansas, and Bar B
Q bologna in Tennessee. (This sister has moved a lot but she looks on the bright side.)

You know you are a minister’s wife when people say your prayers are more powerful. (Hmm, okay.)

You know you are a minister’s wife when your favorite time of the week is Sunday night at 8:00 p.m.
(Amen!)

You know you are a minister’s wife when you perfect the art of smiling no matter how you feel. (Amen
and Amen!)

You know you are a minister’s wife when you talk to yourself a lot or you talk to the walls too much.
(Oh girlfriend, I am with you on that one. Call me and we’ll talk!)

You know you are a minister’s wife when no one will sit with you at church dinners because they are afraid
of looking like they are too close to the pastor and family. (Isn’t that sad?)

You know you are a minister’s wife when you are anxious to make new friends and you realize the rest
of the church already has their groups. (Sisters, there are many fellow sisters in ministry who are very
lonely. Pray for them.)

You know you are a minister’s wife when you have a question, illness, etc. and you realize you don’t
have a pastor no matter how sweet your husband is. (Sometimes I feel the same way.)

You know you are a minister’s wife when an eighty-six year old woman says you had a better be
glad she isn’t younger because she would steal your husband. She is the same woman who tells your
husband that the music is too loud. (Hmm.)

You know you are a minister’s wife when you can’t buy a lottery ticket because you might win. (I
laughed out loud on this comment.)

You know you are a minister’s wife when you are afraid to tell church members where you are going on
vacation lest they think you are paid too much. (Been there; done that.)

You know you are a minister’s wife when you are afraid to walk down the liquor aisle at the grocery
store because of what they will think if a church member sees you. (I fell out of my chair laughing on
this one.)

And last, you know you are a minister’s wife when you can’t make beer bread, but the deacon’s wife
can. (And don’t even think about bringing a rum cake to a church social!)

Okay girlfriends, I spilled my soul and shared a few favorites of some of my girlfriends. Now it’s your
turn. Get busy sharing your “you know you are a minister’s wife when” comments.

You Know You are a Minister’s Wife When . . .

The comedian and self-proclaimed proud Redneck, Jeff Foxworthy coined that phrase “You Might be a
Redneck When.” Well sisters, I have realized that we often take that same phrase and reword it a bit
to fit our life. Have you ever said, “You know you are a minister’s wife when?” Oh I have and so have
many of my fellow sisters in ministry. Let’s see if you can relate to any of these comments and I do hope
that you will have a few of your own.

You know you are a minister’s wife when you host an open house for your church in your home and all
the ladies look in your closets, cabinets, and drawers. (I really had this happen to me. They found the
answer to boxers or briefs.)

You know you are a minister’s wife when you get everyone in the family dressed and headed to church
only to realize you forgot your panty hose and you are wearing two different shoes. (I’ve always said
panty hose are a pain and what can’t we just wear flip flops every day.”

You know you are a minister’s wife when chocolate is a main food group in your daily caloric intake.
(Remember, dark chocolate has health benefits!)

You know you are a minister’s wife when your children tell their pastor father, who is lecturing them
after they have misbehaved, “Save your sermon preacher, it’s not Sunday yet.” (Oh yes, my child said
that to his dad after he had watched Disney’s Robin Hood.)

You know you are a minister’s wife when you a single parent on Sunday mornings. (I think we can all
relate to that one.)

You know you are a minister’s wife when someone cuts you off in traffic and then waves an obscene
gesture at you. Later you discover they are a church member so you must pretend the incident never
happened. (This really happened to me.)

You know you are a minister’s wife when you wonder if it okay to slap a church member. (In Jesus’
name of course.)

Okay girlfriends, I have listed a few of my favorite thoughts. However, now is your turn to respond to
the topic. It doesn’t matter if the comment is serious or funny. Just share.